Life in Your 20’s
NO, I DON’T HAVE IT FIGURED OUT.
If you were to talk to my 17-year-old self and ask her where she thought she would be at 24, she would not describe where I am now. She thought she would live in her own apartment after graduating college. Naomi at 17 saw herself getting married at 22 even though she had no prospects and had never been in a relationship before. She saw herself working as an ultrasound tech and being a worship leader. She also hoped to be having her first child by 24-25.
Yeah, none of that happened or is happening right now. I am sitting in my parent’s house (where I live) writing this, still not in a relationship, working in marketing, not currently worship leading, and definitely not having a child right now. And guess what? That is okay.
But is it okay to grieve the life you thought you were going to have?
There are so many verses in the bible that speak to despair, disappointment, and even anger at God. Psalm 13:1-6 reads, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?”
This one hit me hard.
Seeing people from high school get engaged, married, and having babies while I am still single has made me question, “Will I ever be good enough for someone?” One of my biggest dreams is to be a wife and mom, and to be transparent, I feel sad when I see others living the life I thought I would be living.
So, to sum it up, yes. It’s okay to grieve the dreams that didn’t become reality. It’s okay to grieve the achievements that weren’t awarded, but it is not okay to stay in that sadness.
Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
We are not the first people to feel this way, and we won’t be the last.
God knows our feelings and is not upset with us for feeling them. My sophomore year of college was when I let God flip the plans I had for my life upside down. I had every T crossed, and every I dotted. I had just gotten into sonography school when I kept feeling God tug on my heart to go to ministry school. I remember saying to God, “Um, this is not in the plan!” And I felt Him reply, “My plan or yours?”
I had immediate heartburn.
So, with that being said, I switched to an online college, changed my major to Business Management with a marketing minor, and went to ministry school and focused on worship leadership. In the beginning, I was mad at God. “How is this your plan for me?” “Don’t you know what I like to do?” “My mom is going to freak out on me for switching!” The whole nine yards. This being my season of pruning.
I learned a ton during my time in ministry school, and I am so thankful for it. My love for just loving on the Lord through song grew. I discovered I am actually good at marketing and have a passion for creating content. I landed a great job right out of college, which I loved. Everything on the outside was picture-perfect, so why was I so depressed? I wondered if I had heard God wrong.
Since we are being honest here, I became distant with God. I could feel my heart bleeding on those around me. I pushed friends away and isolated myself. I felt God telling me to lay worship leading down. I didn’t understand why. However, I did not question Him and just obeyed. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.
I let my heart fill with bitterness and unforgiveness toward situations in my life. I was stuck in the sadness of how I wanted to be living.
It was not until I listened to the series by Pastor Michael Miller of UPPERROOM on Forgiveness that I started to realize my issue.
I recently realized I was obedient to God because I knew it was right, but I did not do it with a fully surrendered heart.
Just because you are obedient does not mean you are doing it in the correct spirit.
After asking many people for forgiveness since my bitterness spilled out in my friendships, my SECOND pruning began in the last three years. This began a season of forfeiting. A season of deep surrender. A season of purging. It was a season of having to hand everything over to Jesus.
I realized God had me lay down worship leading to restore the why behind my worship. I didn’t realize I had lost my joy in serving God. I was getting on stage singing my little heart out, and for what? Someone to tell me I sounded good? My priorities were all twisted. Pride guarded my heart.
I went to UPPERROOM’s School of Ministry Online and learned what it meant to minister directly to the Lord’s heart. I re-learned that worshipping God was not about just singing. It encompasses my whole life. Every move I make, and every word I speak needs to be for His glory. Seems simple enough, but sometimes you need to hear it again. My heart’s cry has become Psalm 132: 4-5, “I will not give sleep to my eyes or slumber to my eyelids until I find a place for the Lord.”
It was a season of emptying so I could be filled again with the new and embrace what He was leading me into. I saw restoration in my relationship with God. I saw restoration in my family. I saw it in friendships. I saw it in my relationship with myself.
While I still don’t have it figured out, I can truthfully say I am content. And hey, of course, the desire of my heart is to have a family one day, but I trust in the plan God has for me. God is a good God who is worthy of our trust.
